Read at Watashi wa Sugoi Desu!
Chapter 55 – Disparity – Toki
“Assam, call Laham?”
“That’s right. You’re almost at your limit, huh? Don’t overdo it.”
Assam stroked my head. It felt good. I think I’m getting spoiled.
“I’m reluctant to part, but I think I need to have a talk with Yarra.”
“Take care.” I sent Assam away with a chaste kiss.
Not long after, negative emotions spread into the room through the door. Denial, anger, loathing. All of these were directed towards the owner of those emotions himself.
My chest hurt along with those negative feelings, making me crouch over.
Laham ran to me when he opened the door and saw me like that, his face pale. Ah, all those emotions turned into worry.
“Toki-sama! Toki-sama! Someone! Your High- …? Toki-sama?”
While he panicked, I grabbed his hand and pulled him closer to me.
Laham was confused as he was suddenly hugged. I stroked his rippling, aqua-colored hair and started speaking to him softly.
“Caught you. Laham is ok. No angry. Is ok. Laham himself hate, not allowed. Laham pretty. Laham cute.”
“Toki… sama? What are you saying?”
“Laham hate himself. Love Yarra, truth. But normal love, different. That why Laham hates Laham.”
Laham’s eyes opened in surprise. He felt despair now that someone was aware of the darkness hidden deep inside his heart.
“Many kind love exist, matter of course. Laham, obsession, just strong. Control, just strong. Not scary. Is ok for heart to recognize what body wants. Is ok. Laham beautiful.”
Hearing me call him beautiful, even though I knew about his ugly parts, calmed Laham’s trembling anxiety. Soon after, however, he started to blame himself again.
“Toki-sama, I’m not someone who deserves those words. Earlier, I… I-”
“Hated me?” I let out the words Laham was hesitating to say.
Laham startled and his shoulders began to tremble. I patted his back, trying to soothe him.
“I know. Normal.”
Laham unconsciously lifted his face to look at me. Unexpectedly, he looked like a child when he stared at me in puzzlement.
Speaking of which, I have to ask about what Yarra’s pose earlier meant. Though I could pretty much already guess.
“Laham, this, what mea-”
“You can’t!!” Laham quickly stopped me when I tried to imitate Yarra’s pose.
“This is a bow of allegiance and subordination. Even if you don’t mean it, it becomes a promise once you take on that pose. You must never do it. I will never allow Toki-sama to be subservient to anyone. Do you understand?”
I see. So that’s why Laham got jealous.
“Yarra, my subordinate?”
“No, the ritual can’t be completed unless the person being bowed to accepts.”
“I glad. Laham, do Yarra control.”
“Laham want Yarra’s everything. Body, heart, loyalty, allegiance – Laham heart wants rule Yarra’s everything.”
“! It’s disgraceful. The worst. Those who are attracted to such treatment can’t even be thought of as humans.”
“There is me. Assam, heart control. Is inside everyone. Control, obsession – heart want partner’s everything.”
“Un. Laham’s obsession, control, a little big. Not strange. What want, scary no.”
The one most afraid of the attachment and obsession he had towards Yarra was Laham himself. Even if he wanted to treat Yarra kindly, it was his crying face that filled Laham with desire. He wanted to protect Yarra but also to hurt him. He wanted Yarra’s everything, for Yarra to be his slave so that he’d only look at him. Laham despised himself when he was aroused by such desires.
There were people like him in Japan as well – people with sadomasochistic tendencies who were disgusted by S&M.
Laham was scared of the cruelty inside him and couldn’t tell others about it. Like a beautiful crystal, his heart was rigid. So much so that he couldn’t forgive his own impure desire.
“Ah! Sorry.” I made Laham cry again. I pulled him into another hug.
For how long has he been blaming himself?
Assam probably dismissed other servants because Laham blamed himself whenever he got jealous.
I wanted to help this beautiful person who stood by my side not just because I’m sick but because he had recognized me as worthy of being his master.
“Is ok. I Laham ally. Is ok, I protect.”
“I’ve only been crying in front of Toki-sama. I’m a failure as a servant.”
I patted Laham on the back, thinking that he was really bad at letting himself depend on others.
“Failure, wrong. This, right way. Laham, servant. Is right to protect my servant. I am master. Servant depend on master is right. Strong protect the weak.”
“I’m… weak?” Still crying, he looked at me, eyes brimming with surprise.
This was definitely the first time anyone had ever called him weak.
“Un. Weak Laham, I protect.”
“I, see…” Hearing my words, the strength left Laham’s shoulders, and he smiled at me, finally able to let his guard down.
Yarra stirred Laham’s urges but he didn’t give him peace of mind. Assam was like a little brother to him so he couldn’t allow himself to cry in front of him. But in me, he finally found someone he could lean on.
“Laham, call Assam. Communication device not allowed. Go to room, call him, ok?”
Assam and Yarra were in that room. Laham hesitated. I patted his head, letting him know it was ok.
“Laham, go do catch Yarra. Take care.”
“Understood. I’ll take my leave.”
Laham’s smile as he gathered his courage was extremely beautiful.