I Reincarnated as the Villain in an Eroge, But Before I Realized, I Became a Capture Target
Translator: Reo
Editor: PalenMisha
Read at Watashi wa Sugoi Desu!
Luca POV 9 – Part 2
**trigger warning: suicidal thoughts and actions**
“…., ….. …. Uh?”
Somehow I opened my eyes. The brightness of the world blinded me.
Where was I? Was this the place that came after death?
The thought made my heart flutter, but the moment I took a closer look at my surroundings and realised where I was, I fell to my knees.
“No… it’s a lie…. This is a lie.”
I was in the corridor that led to the audience chamber. The same corridor as always with no one else around.
I’d gone back. I was supposed to have died, but now I was alive and at the start again.
“Aha, ha… haha. Ha…. Why…? Why!?” I couldn’t help but scream.
Overcome by despair, I struck the ground in frustration. But because it hurt, it only made me more certain that I was alive.
The pain of my body being torn apart, the sensation of blood draining from my body – I could remember all of it, and yet… and yet I was alive.
“U, uu… uwa, aaaahhhh!!!” As the despair took hold I started to wail.
It was so, so painful. The tears wouldn’t stop.
I wanted to escape. I wanted to run away from this fictional world even if it meant I had to die. But I wasn’t even allowed that.
This world, this loop, would continue for eternity.
Why? Why me? Why? Why? Why?!
Father was waiting, so I had to go, but I couldn’t bring my body to move, couldn’t make it stand up. I was in pain—so much pain—the only thing I could do was sob.
I didn’t know how much time had passed since then, but when I woke up I was lying in bed in my room. Apparently I’d passed out on the floor of the corridor. When I didn’t show up, the ministers had probably gotten worried and went out to look for me, then carried me here.
How pathetic. No… maybe something like that wasn’t something I had to worry about anymore. The loop would restart in a year anyway, so no matter what people said about me, they wouldn’t remember it in a year’s time.
Soon after I opened my eyes, Father came to see me.
“Luca! I’m so glad you’re awake.”
“Father… I apologise for making you wo-gh ugh.”
“Luca!? Are you ok?”
Just trying to say those words made me feel so sick I started to gag. The nearby maid handed me a washbasin in a panic so that I wouldn’t dirty the bed, but it reeked of vomit and tears welled up in my eyes from the pain. My father’s hand as it stroked my back made me want to cry even more.
“You got sick and collapsed. Was it because of the miasma from the Lumiere?”
“Perhaps it was because of the negative emotions. Seeing as his Highness Luca is Soleil’s descendant, it wouldn’t be strange.”
The two ministers concluded as they watched my struggle.
They were wrong, but since I had no intention of telling them the truth, I didn’t deny their words.
With me being like this, the birthday party was cancelled, and the trip was also postponed. It was because I’d become unable to keep food down. I vomited most of what I ate. The people around me thought that that too was because of the Lumiere, but it was actually because of mental stress. It was because I’d come to realise that no matter how much I struggled, I was stuck in this loop.
Since the day I’d collapsed, I didn’t leave my bed. I didn’t have the will to do anything, and because I was unable to eat my body grew weak.
Everyday someone would come visit me. My family—Father, Mother, and my brothers—the ministers, and my teachers. All of them spoke to me gently as I laid in bed with vacant eyes. They said that whoever touched the Lumiere went crazy and died, and that it affected people of different attributes differently. That I shouldn’t worry about it. That they wished I’d feel better soon.
But their encouragement only made my heart grow heavier.
The more they encouraged me, the more responsibility I felt. As the second prince, I had the responsibility to go around the dungeons and gather star fragments… but the feelings of guilt for not fulfilling my duty ate away at my heart.
Currently, they were still just worried about me, but it probably wouldn’t take long for them to grow exasperated.
You’re not better yet? They’d ask. For how long are you going to lie down?
If everything I did was pointless, I thought I would rather just hole myself up in my room, but now that I’d done so I’d realised that staying inside the castle was even more painful.
Ah, today was the day the 1st dungeon opened. Usually I would have been inside the dungeon by now. But this situation, with me not doing anything, made my heart even heavier.
I was a fictional character in a story… my emotions should be fake, so why was it so hard? Why was it so painful?
I tried to at least smile to reassure everyone, but I couldn’t. Whenever I tried, it would grate on my heart and tears would well up in my eyes. I would feel sick and start to gag. This would in turn make them worry more, which ate at my spirit and it turned into a vicious cycle.
To break out of this cycle I should head to the dungeon even if it was a late start. However, despite knowing this, I couldn’t bring my body to move.
My body and spirit were screaming, torn between the knowledge that no matter what I did it was hopeless and the guilt of doing nothing and running away from my responsibilities.
Like this, the end of January came.
Someone knocked on the door, then opened it without waiting for me to answer.
“Luca… are you awake? I’ve come to see you.”
“Noe-” I started, but quickly began to gag.
The moment I saw her face, I started feeling nauseous.
Because of my carelessness, she had died.
The scene from back then flashed before my eyes.
“Luca!”
Noel, who couldn’t remember any such thing, ran up to me and started stroking my back as I hunched over, hugging the washbasin.
The actions of my gentle childhood friend soothed me, but she was just a puppet. A being whose affection could be quantified. Someone who’d fall in love with me because I slept with her. I was sure she had no will of her own. None of it… none of it was real.
“Don’t touch me!”
I felt so sick, I slapped her hand away.
I could see her stumble back, see her confusion, and even as I vomited, the guilt stung my heart. But at the same time, why did she care? It felt like she was forcing me to feel guilty about her, which irritated me.
I didn’t want to be seen, so when nothing came out despite the gagging, I laid down and pulled the covers over my head. I wanted her to hurry up and disappear, but she just stood there without saying anything.
Ugh, your presence is a bother. Hurry up and go somewhere else. Quickly. Quickly.
“Apologies, Your Highness Luca. You didn’t want to be seen vomiting, right? The flowers… I’ll leave them here.”
I heard a quiet rustling sound. Did she put down a bouquet of flowers on the table next to the rest of the get well gifts? Then, after a few seconds, I heard the sound of the door closing.
Once her presence disappeared, I cautiously stuck my face out of the blanket – I was alone again.
Though relieved, I felt so ashamed that tears welled up and I had to press my hands against my eyes.
Noel was just worried about me. No matter how you looked at it, I was the bad guy for slapping her hand away. And yet I’d rejected her without saying a word, made her feel guilty and apologise instead. I put her at such a loss she called me Your Highness even though it was just the two of us.
Even though all of this was a story, I, and the others, we all had feelings.
I hated this. Hated myself for being like this. I wanted everything to go away. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt. I wanted to run away. I wanted to die… I want to die. I want to die.
“Oh, yeah.”
That’s right – I should just die.
If I died, this vicious cycle would end and I’d go back to the start.
I lifted myself up and got out of bed. The sight of those flowers made me gag again, but I forced myself to swallow it down and, enduring the pain, grabbed the sword that was hanging on the wall.
I pulled the sword out of its scabbard and placed the tip against my stomach…
“…, …”
Suddenly my consciousness became clear.
The pain in my stomach was gone, and after my eyes adjusted to the brightness, I looked around and saw that I was in the usual corridor. My outfit too was how I remembered it.
I’d gone back. I was here again. I’d gone back to before I’d received the imperial order. I could pretend that this last month never happened.
I was glad. Truly. I never wanted to repeat those days of being tormented by despair and guilt.
But the reality that even if I died, the loop would restart, struck me once again. The fact that no matter how much I struggled, I could never escape.
No, for now let’s be happy that I’ve escaped those hellish days. Plus, I had to hurry so I could receive the imperial order from Father.
It wasn’t like my mental stress had gone away – I headed towards the audience chamber while fighting down the urge to vomit. I opened the door and as always my father’s voice rang out.
“Luca, you’re here.”
Father, the Minister of Finance and Minister of Administration were standing in the middle of the room. Though those three must have been busy, they’d often come to see me while I was sick. The other ministers also came. It made me happy, but hopelessly bitter as well.
“What’s wrong, Luca? Were you that startled by the sinister aura?” Father asked with concern when I felt nauseous again and couldn’t answer. It was the same expression he wore when he came to visit me. That made me feel even more sick, but I pressed down on my stomach to hold it in.
I couldn’t make Father worry any more than this.
Smile. Smile. Smile. Smile.
“Yes… it’s a very frightening thing.” I swallowed down the gastric juices rising up my throat and showed him a bright smile.
