A month had passed since the always energetic foreign student John, had returned to America from Japan. Due to the naturally high excitement [1], the popular John decided to write a mail to his best friend in Japan, Masaki.
John in the mail, wrote excitedly about 「Feeling Homesick of the Life in Japan and Things I Wish For」, mixing in jokes.
＃＃＃＃＃
Dear Masaki
From John
It’s been a long time, Masaki!
Are you doing well?
Or did you become a well? [2]I’m doing fine!
Ahh! Even though it’s only been a month, it can’t be helped that I feel homesick of my life in Japan!
Everything about life in Japan was fresh for me.
First, seeing only Japanese vehicles running.
And then seeing only Japanese people on the streets.
And finally everyone was speaking in Japanese!
I was really shocked, you see. I thought it’s almost like Japan! HAHAHA!
I still feel nostalgic about the miso soup [3] Yamada-san made before the homestay, and the beef bowl [4] with tempura and curry! [5] I wanna eat it again!
The festival [6] that we all went to together is a great memory for me even now.
The goldfish-scooping, along with the cotton candy and shaved ice [7].
The booths all lined up, people crowding, and the fireworks blooming at the sound of the drums.
Yeah, it’s something that makes me feel excited even while remembering it now!
Another thing I remember when you say Japan, are certainly the crowded trains. I guess I’m addicted to that cramped feeling! I wonder why, I ended up being groped even though I’m a man!
Oh, yes, Masaki. Did you get that thing I’d told you about?
Hey, that. The theme song CD of 「Magical Girl Pentomper」!
My whole body ends up breaking into a dance just by listening to that tune!
Especially that hook [8] is great!
「Hoppin Hoppin Purin Purin! Hoppin Hoppin Purin Purin!」
My body started hopping just by writing it.
If we meet this time Masaki, let’s dance together!
Ah, but keep the fact that I’m a Pentomper Otaku a secret from everyone in Japan!
Because I’ll be thought of as a pervert!
And it’s Masaki’s turn to come to America this time!
Because I’m waiting here!
John
＃＃＃＃＃
On the other hand, at the same time, the Nubedovian Ralrun, entrusted by the Earth Invasion In-Charge, a mail with the contents 『We Must Carry Out An Attack in Order for the Earth Invasion』to his superior, General Buglatt. But, call it fate or a prank, due to a computer virus, the essay Ralrun wrote and the foreign student John’s mail got mixed together.
Due to that, the mail from John that reached Masaki because somewhat peculiar.
＊＊＊
★In Japan
Masaki : 「Oh, a mail came from John. We’re talking about him, so there’s bound to be a few jokes mixed in.」
Ah, but keep the fact that I’m a human a secret from everyone in japan!
《Everyone knows it!》
Hook Hook Pervert Buglatt!
《What kind of an Incantation is that!》
And it’s Masaki’s turn to grill Yamada-san to ashes this time!
《I don’t wanna!》
Because I’m waiting in the fictional galaxy!
《Where in the world is that!》
John’s Neck.
《Where’s the rest of your body!?》
＃＃＃＃＃
After that, Masaki, who confirmed the fact that the rest of his body was safe and sound on the phone, thought that John had taken the jokes too far, and soon forgot about this matter.
1. It says tension (in katakana), it’s more of a wasei-eigo , i.e. a loan word from English that has a different meaning in Japanese it’s supposed mean a hyper excited person.↩
2. Attack of the Japanese Homophones! The sentence above asked 元気にしてるかい！(genki ni shiteru kai!) . While this sentence asked それとも貝になったかい！(soretomo kai ni natta kai!). As you can see, both are kai, but have a different meaning. 貝 means clam or a shellfish whereas かい is simply the Japanese way of colloquially asking a question. It’s a lame joke that’s supposed to be punny. It won’t translate well in English, so I used what I think would be best.
TL;DR Something untranslatable.↩
3. Miso soup is a traditional Japanese soup consisting of a stock called “dashi” into which softened miso paste is mixed.↩
4. Gyūdon, literally beef bowl, is a Japanese dish consisting of a bowl of rice topped with beef and onion simmered in a mildly sweet sauce flavored with dashi, soy sauce and mirin.
Curry is basically a sauce. Beef bowl with curry.↩
5.Tempura is a Japanese dish of battered and deep-fried vegetables and seafood. ↩
6. Matsuri (祭) is the Japanese word for a festival or holiday. Almost every locale has at least one matsuri in late summer/early autumn, usually related to the rice harvest.↩
7. Goldfish scooping is a traditional Japanese game in which a player scoops goldfish with a special scooper. ↩
8. A hook is a musical idea, often a short riff, passage, or phrase, that is used in popular music to make a song appealing and to “catch the ear of the listener”.↩
The Contents of the Mail that the Earth Invasion In-Charge’s Subordinate Sent are Strange After All.
Nubedovian Ralrun, who had been entrusted with the task of researching about the Earth Invasion was disappointed.
The reason was that his 『Report Suggesting to Commence an Attack on Earth Right Away』was rejected, and not only that, he was also fired on suspicions of being a homo, and moreover, he was left behind on Earth.
Actually, the report that he sent had gotten mixed up with a mail an earthling sent due to a computer virus, and had become strange, but there was no way Ralrun would know that.
Ralrun, who had no understanding of the matter whatsoever, sent a Letter of Objection to his superior, General Buglatt.
Its contents were as follows.
＃＃＃＃＃
Dear Lord General Buglatt
From, Ralrun.
I shall get straight to the point.
I am absolutely unable to comprehend the contents of the notice of dismissal I received yesterday.
The reason is that after putting time and hard work into investigating about mankind till now, the proposal I put up of an Earth Invasion, was not only rejected, but moreover I was fired, and was left behind on Earth, what the fuck does this mean?
Within the disciplining letter, I was referred to as a rude and incompetent homo bastard, I have absolutely no understanding with regards to that too.
I respect Lord General Buglatt from the bottom of my heart. Even in the report addressed to Lord General, I paid close attention, and I wanted to be careful while writing.
I am not a homo in any manner whatsoever.
Even within the report, there is not one thing fake.
Even now, I believe that we must, before other planets beat us to it, take control of Earth.
Therefore, I shall once again make a proposal!
We must commence an all-out attack right away!
We must completely grill earth!
We must destroy their civilisation!
We must commit genocide on these inferior humans!
This abundant planet needs to be made ours!
We must silence the moderate faction, and set a precedent for galactic invasion in Planet Nubedov!
If we do so, Lord General Buglatt’s name shall remain for generations to come!
Lord General Buglatt!
Please make a decision now!
We must obtain the Universe!
Ralrun.
＃＃＃＃＃ *
At the same time, John, a foreign student who had been staying in Japan till a month before, sent a mail to his friend in Japan. He had written an energetic letter about 『Missing the Life in Japan and the Anime Theme Song CD he Wanted』
However, due to some trick of fate, just like the previous time, Ralrun’s letter and the foreign student John’s mail got mixed up due to a computer virus.
Due to that, the letter that reached General Buglatt became slightly strange.
*
＊＊＊
★In Planet Nubedov.
General Buglatt: 「Hm? A communication from Ralrun came……That bastard, what does he intend to do this time?」
＃＃＃＃＃
Dear Lord General Buglatt.
《Hmph, it’s too late to curry favour with me now.》
From Well
《What the fuck happened to Ralrun!?》
I shall get straight to the point.
《What does the Well want to say!?》
I am absolutely unable to comprehend the Yamada san’s groping CD that I received yesterday.
《I haven’t sent such an obscene thing!》
The reason is that after putting time and hard work into investigating about mankind till now,
《Did he really research?》
The proposal I put up of an Earth Invasion, was not only rejected by Yamada-san,
《In the first place, who’s this Yamada!》
But moreover I was Purin,
《Aren’t you a well!?》
And was left behind on earth, what the fuck Purin Purin
《His way of showing anger is too disgusting!》
Within the disciplining letter, I was referred to as a rude and incompetent homo bastard,
《Exactly》
Let’s dance together!
《Who the fuck will dance!》
I respect Lord General Buglatt from the bottom of my heart as a pervert and an otaku.
《Bastard, aren’t you making fun of me!》
In the Poppin to Lord General, I Poppin close Poppin,
《It’s oddly satisfying!》
And I wanted to be careful Miso soup.
《What king of a miso soup is that!》
I am not Yamada-san in any manner whatsoever.
《I know that!》
Even within the report, there is not one thing fake.
《That’s the problem!》
Even now, I believe that we must, before other planets beat us to it,
《Is he gonna tell to attack……?》
Take control of cotton candy.
《We don’t need it!》
Therefor I ended up once again getting groped! HAHAHA!
《What’s so happy about that!?》
We must commence an all-out attack and dance right away!
《Is it a dance ball or something!?》
We must completely grill goldfish!
《Isn’t that just ordinary grilled fish?》
We must destroy their civilisation, so pah!
《Pah, your ass!》
Keep it a secret from well, Pu!
《Pu too, your ass!》
We must silence the moderate faction,
《They’ll be silenced due to a whole different reason!》
And I want to eat Buglatt’s fresh Pentomper in crowded trains!
《Are you sure you aren’t a homo!!》
If we do so, Lord General Buglatt’s name shall remain for generations to come for sure.
《It’ll remain as a criminal!》
Ahh, Pervert Lord General Buglatt!
《Somehow, I’ve got a bad feeling!》
Please poppin poppin! Buglatt Purin Purin!
《Don’t throw me in your letter!》
We must obtain the energy and excitement!
《Is it a dubious seminar!!?》
From Fresh Well
《In the end you’re still a well!?》
General Buglatt, whose doubts about the virus spreading on Earth, resulting in an outbreak of a large number of homos were confirmed, did not turn the rudders of the spaceship, and ignored the letter while leaving behind Ralrun on Earth as is.
Ralrun from the planet of Nubedov, who had been entrusted to the Earth Invasion In-Charge, wrote a report to his boss, the Commander-in Chief Buglatt. Ralrun strongly advocated to 『Commence an All-Out Attack on Earth Right Away and Bring Mankind to Ruin』in the report.
The contents of the report are as follows.
＃＃＃＃＃
Respected Lord[1] General Buglatt
Earth Invasion In-Charge Ralrun
Five years have passed since I undertook the duty of the invasion of earth and began investigating this planet.
During the period of these five years, I have taken all the data on mankind as well as all living things.
Be it voraciously reading the news day after day, investigating the history of humans, repeatedly dissecting humans, I have thoroughly studied up.
As a result, I understood that even the greatest brains amongst the mankind haunting this planet, without even having much muscle power, are existences equivalent to worms to us Nubedovians.
In spite of that, this inferior human race has imprudently monopolised this abundant planet「Earth」as if it were they own it.
It seems, as Commander-in Chief said five years ago, we Nubedovians must control this planet at once after all!
The way of thinking of the King who wants coexistence and co-prosperity is too pacifist!
There is but a single organisation that has a force that can resist our attack on this earth. Therefore, we must quickly launch an all-out attack before the invasion force crosses over to the destination! We must engage them in a bloodbath!
I have already made preparations for the missile carrying the genocidal bomb above the satellite orbit.
If we launch it, it will surely reduce a continent to ashes in ten seconds.
While trying to escape, even the best of friends will be scrambling for the limited resources, hating each other, killing each other, in despair due to heat and thirst and mankind will surely die slowly!
It might be better to annihilate them all at once, but I think it will be fun to see them killing each other.
The great Lord General Buglatt!
Now take a wise decision! Release the hammer of justice on this stupid mankind right away!
Glory to our mother planet Nubedov!!!
ラールン
Ralrun
＊＊＊＊＊
At the same time, feeling lonely being left behind by her war photographer lover, Aoi decided to write a mail to her lover. In it, Aoi emotionally wrote about 「Cooking, My Colleague Getting Married and I Want You to Quickly Come Home to Japan」.
However, due to a computer virus and by accident, Ralrun’s report and the mail 「Aoi」wrote got mixed together.
Because of that, the mail that reached the Commander-in-Chief Buglatt became somewhat strange.
＊＊＊
★In Planet Nubedov
Commander-in-Chief Buglatt : 「Ohh, the report from Ralrun came. He made me wait for five years, so…… . The preparations for the Earth Invasion must be thorough, right? Kukuku, well well.」
＊＊＊
To Buglatt
《Oi, you’re addressing me casually all of a sudden, are you?》
From the Earth Invasion In-Charge Blue Ralrun
《What’s with the primary colour!》
Five years and three months have passed since I undertook the duty of the invasion of earth and began investigating this onion.
《What the heck were you[2] doing in these five years!?》
During the period of these five years, I have taken all the data on Lord General Buglatt.
《Eh? Me!?[3]》i
Be it voraciously reading Buglatt day after day, investigating the history of Buglatt , repeatedly dissecting Buglatt, I have thoroughly studied up.
《I don’t have any memory of you dissecting me!》
As a result, I understood that even the greatest brains of Buglatt, without even having much muscle power,
《I’m being completely made into a fool!!》
Are existences equivalent to Mom to us Yui-chans.
《Who are you!?》
In spite of that, this inferior Buglatt has imprudently
《You bastard! I won’t forgive you anymore!!》
Monopolised this great I.
《You’re acting way too excessively self-conscious !!》
Hug me tightly! Lightly engage me in bloodbath!
《What kind of play is this!》
The Mirin[5] of the King who Mirin co-existence and co-prosperity is too Mirin Mirin!
《You’re a cicada[6] or what!!?》
There is but a single organisation that has a force that can resist my kiss on this earth.
《You’re too disgusting!》
Therefore, we must quickly get married before the invasion force crosses over to the destination!!!
《Absolutely Not!!》
I have already made preparations for a carrot carrying the Nikujaga[7] above the satellite orbit.
《You’re threatening me! It seems delicious though!?》
If we launch my carrots, Lord General Buglatt will surely become beautiful and happy in ten seconds.
《What do you intend to do!?》
Making a mistake with the quantity of Mirin and trying to escape, even the best of carrots will be scrambling for the limited resources, hating each other, killing each other, in despair due to heat and thirst; and we will eat nutritious things slowly!
《I don’t get it!》
It might be better to annihilate them all at once, but will I make for a good bride?
《I don’t know!!! You’re a man!!!》
The great Lord Onion!
《Who’s the onion!!》
Now kiss me! Let’s get married right away!
《Who’ll do that! Uugh! Ralrun’s going to be beheaded now!!!》
From Your Beloved Ralrun
《I don’t want your love!》
Commander-in-Chief Buglatt, who read this report, abandoned the invasion, thinking there was no doubt that there was a virus spreading on Earth, resulting in an outbreak of a large number of homos.
Thus, Ralrun, left in the lurch, protected the peace on Earth.
War Photographer Shou left his lover Aoi behind in Japan and travelled to the conflict zone.
Left behind all alone, day after day, Aoi who felt lonely every single day, decided to write a mail to Shou.
Its contents are as follows.
To Shou.
From Your Beloved Aoi.
Are you doing well? You haven’t caught a cold, have you? How is the weather in Palestine?
I’m doing fine.
It’s been 3 months since Shou left, right?
When Shou left Japan, it was still snowing, but it’s already the height of spring here in Japan.
It’s getting hotter day by day, and the cherry blossoms have also fallen, the signs of summer feel like they’re getting stronger.
Ah, it seems they’re going to hold a spring festival this time.
I want to go together with Shou…
I’ve learnt a dish since Shou left.
It’s Nikujaga.[1]
Carrots, Onions, Beef; at first, I ended up making a mistake with the quantity of Mirin[2] and it became too sweet, but now the Nikujaga is so good that everyone says it’s delicious after eating.
When Mom was eating it the other day, and “Delicious! You’ll make for a good bride! Shou-kun sure is a lucky guy!” is what she said.
Come home quickly to eat my Nikujaga!
Also, my colleague Yui-chan is getting married this time.
I‘ve also have been invited to the wedding that’s going to be held six months from now, I’m really looking forward to it from now on.
But Yui-chan seems to have become beautiful and happy ever since her marriage has been decided, and seeing her makes me feel just a little bit jealous.
Hey Shou. Let us quickly get married too!
Let’s invite everyone, Dad, Mom, my younger brother, our friends and have a happy wedding!
Shou says that he’s fine, but I’m so worried and worried about you that I can’t bear it. I spend my nights too crying.
Stupid Shou! Why do only I have to worry?
Come home quickly and make me feel relived.
I want to feel Shou quickly. Hug me tightly and lightly kiss me.
If you don’t, then I’ll end up becoming someone’s else’s woman……?
I’m joking.
But still, come home quickly, will you?
Finally, till you come back to Japan, surely obey the following 3 things!
First, if you think it’s dangerous, run away immediately.
Second, properly eat nutritious things everyday.
Third, remember me every single day.
I’ll always be waiting for you.
I love you more than anything.
Aoi.
At the same time, somewhere deep in Japan’s mountains, Ralrun from the planet of Nubedov, that was planning to invade earth, was writing a report to the Commander in Chief.
Ralrun strongly advocated to 『Commence an All-Out Attack on Earth Right Away and Bring Mankind to Ruin』in the report.
However, due to a computer virus and by accident, Ralrun’s report and Aoi’s mail got mixed together.
Because of that, the mail that reached Shou became somewhat strange.
In Palestine
Shou : 「Oh, A mail came from Aoi. Let me see it right away. What’s it about?」
To – My Dear Lord[3] Shou.
《Hm? It’s somewhat formal.》
From – The Earth Invasion In-Charge Ralrun Aoi.
《!? What the hell happened, Aoi!》
Are you doing well? You haven’t caught a cold, have you? How is the weather in Palestine?
《Ah, Ahh. I’m fine. Thank you. The weather’s clear in Palestine.》
I am a worm.
《Worm!?》
It’s been 5 years since Shou left, right?
《It’s been 3 months!》
When Shou left Japan, it was still snowing, but it’s already the height of spring here in Japan.
《I-I see. It’s already spring in Japan.》
It’s getting hotter day by day, that I feel it in my bones, and the cherry blossoms have also fallen in ten seconds.
《Just how hot is Japan!?》
The signs of the continent feel like they’re getting stronger.
《Is the continent approaching closer!?》
Ah, it seems they’re going to hold a bloodbath this time.
《Don’t say it in a light mood!》
I want to go together with Shou…
《I absolutely don’t wanna go!》
I’ve learnt a dish since Shou left.
It’s Nikujaga.
《I see, that Aoi who was so bad at cooking did it…》
Carrots, brains, mankind,
《Oi, you’re putting in things that shouldn’t be added!!》
At first, I ended up making a mistake with the carrots and they were trying to run away.
《They gained legs!?》
The onions were killing each other, and the potatoes were slowly burned to death.
《What’s happening in you kitchen!?》
Now the Nubedov is so good that everyone says it’s delicious after eating.
《The Nikujaga!?》
When we were eating each other the other day,
《Who’s cannibalising whom!?》
Delicious! You’ll make for a good invasion force! Shou-kun sure is an eatable!
《You intend to eat me too?!》
Was what she said.
《Don’t simply toss out such words smoothly!》
Come home quickly to eat my Nikujaga!
《I don’t wanna eat it!》
Also, my colleague Yui-chan is imprudently getting married this time.
《Ah, I see……Imprudent? Even though they got along so well.》
I‘ve also have been invited to the all-out attack that’s going to be held six months from now, I’m really slow from now on.
《……What’s the all-out attack for?》
But Yui-chan seems to have become beautiful and happy ever since her marriage has been decided, and the hammer of justice!!! Will reduce her to ashes!!!
《She suddenly snapped!?》
Hey Shou. Let us get quickly dissect Yui-chan!
《Haven’t you decided something horrible!!》
Let’s invite everyone, Dad, Mom, my younger brother, our Friends and every single worm haunting this planet and slowly kill her!
《Just how much do you hate Yui-chan!!!》
Shou says that he’s fine,
《I haven’t said a single word about it!!!》
But I can’t bear it. I spend my nights too repeatedly dissecting humans.
《FUCKFUCKFUCK!》
Why do only I have to have glory?
《I don’t know!!!》
I’m lonely! I wanna quickly engage in the bloodbath!
《I give up! Stop it!》
If you don’t, then I’ll end up coming to where Shou is !?
《Eeek》
I’m joking.
《Thank goodness ……》
Come home quickly and make me feel relived.
《Aoi must surely be emotionally unstable. It’s a little bit scary, but it might be better to go home after all……》
I want to feel Shou from above the satellite orbit quickly.
《That’s far! Too far!》
Hug me tightly! And lightly kiss me!
《It’s impossible from outer space!》
If you don’t, then I’ll end up becoming a genocidal bomb……?
《What!?》
I’m joking.
《It doesn’t sound like a joke anymore!!》
But still, come home quickly, will you?
《I get it! I’ll come home!》
Finally, till you come back to Japan, surely obey the following 3 things!
First, if you think it’s dangerous, launch immediately.
《What should I launch……》
Second, properly reduce continents to ashes everyday.
《I can’t! If I did it, then the world would end in six days!!》
Third, remember me every single day.
《Can I even forget!!!》
I’ll always be waiting for your despair Ralrun.
《I can’t understand a single thing!!》
I love you more than Mirin.
《What are you comparing me with!!!》
Missile Aoi
《Your stage name’s very strange!!!》
Shou, who had finished the letter, hastily decided return back to Japan,
And had a reunion with Aoi.
Hasr’s Random Ramblings
(For all those who can read moonrunes, there’s more!)
The sister story 「The Report the Earth Invasion In-Charge Recieved From His Subordinate is Extremely Strange.」↓Linky here http://ncode.syosetu.com/n3936dy/
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Beef bowl with curry.↩
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