Translator: Tsukii
Editor: Kiro
Read at Watashi wa Sugoi Desu!
Side Story 5
TW: Honami’s POV and suicidal thoughts up till her attempt in Ch 42. Read at your own discretion
Author Note:
In order to somehow remember the settings, I read a little further in the original novel and reread my fanfic’s past chapters.
This is the second relic of the past.
It might not be very interesting, but I hope it helps you kill time.
It was around midnight.
I was playing with my terminal on my bed while thinking about my beloved.
What was displayed on it was a photo of him I secretly took.
“Fufufu… ah.”
I was so engrossed in it that I didn’t notice I had taken my finger off the screen.
The set time had passed and the terminal was locked.
…I wonder what part of me is everyone looking at?
What was reflected on the blacked-out LCD screen was my face, with the corners of my mouth turned up in a smile.
I was brought back to reality in an instant, which made me feel deflated.
It was ugly.
What I was seeing right now was the face of an irresponsible woman who nominated herself to be the leader of the class, yet gave in to the stress and tried to abandon it. Even though I had built everything up with my own hands, I was a coward who blamed everyone around me while saying, “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.”
The overzealous cult-like beliefs were all caused by me. Even though I knew this, I was a weak and dirty person who couldn’t stop pretending to be a victim.
What would the former me think if she saw the current me?
……A helpless person like this somehow continued to win.
As entertainment for some geniuses, I continued to earn false victories.
And every time I won, the “comrades” around me further carried up my existence, making the false system even stronger.
Nobody understood me. They wouldn’t understand my weakness.
It made me feel like I wanted to die. Aaah…
“Uuuh… no good.”
As I realized what I was thinking, I operated the terminal again.
When I saw the photo of him in his gym clothes at the sports festival, I regained my composure a little.
He was the only one who was different from the others.
Even though he realized my true no-good nature, he still accepted me with kindness.
“I love you…”
That was why I fought only for his sake. That way, I could keep my presence in his heart.
I was not a saint… and definitely not a god.
Everything was going according to Arisu-chan’s plan.
When we first met, she understood everything about how Class Points worked.
……A child who was that talented chose not to rule the class herself. The me at that time couldn’t understand what that meant.
With Arisu-chan’s support, I continued to rack up victories that I would never have otherwise achieved. As a result, the students in my class all became “believers” who devoted everything to me.
Every day as a cult leader was full of inconveniences, and it was a far cry from the high school life I had imagined. Escorts were attached to me everywhere I went, and even if I wanted to be friends with someone, they would be afraid to even talk to me. I was feared by those around me, and my friendship outside of class was extremely limited.
[“I wanted to have a normal and enjoyable school life.”]
How many times did I wail like that?
I even thought that if I knew it would end up like this, I would have rather not become a class leader.
However, there were “shackles” that prevented me from escaping.
It was that incident that led me to withdraw from society for half a year.
My past sin had robbed me of the option of running away.
It was after the summer vacation that my mind collapsed.
Chihiro-chan… the most fanatical girl in my class was ecstatic, pasting posters of me she had made all over the classroom.
Seeing the sight of my smiling face everywhere and how everyone accepted that without any sign of discomfort horrified me.
It was on this day that I felt that I had no ally in the class.
The 39 comrades who vowed to fight together without anyone getting expelled.
All of that disappeared before me.
All who remained were crazy believers.
My face was exposed everywhere.
It was enshrined.
It was worshiped.
I suddenly felt nauseous.
I didn’t know if I had good looks or not. However, the students saw this and worshiped it as if god was there. Why why why, it was disgusting!!!
It made me want to die.
Although I tried to keep it under control, the nausea continued to get worse.
It even made me think that everyone here was bullying me in a roundabout way.
“……E~rr, that’s amazing.”
“Uwah, this is really amazing. It surprised me.”
The people who visited the classroom at that time were them.
They were one of the few friends who treated me, Ichinose Honami, as an equal.
The event we were preparing for at that time… I forcefully stopped the discussion and headed over to them.
I was desperate and made an appointment to visit them after school that day.
Combined with the stress I had accumulated until that point, my mental state was at its limit.
If the situation was seen objectively, I was a huge success.
I was someone who continued to take the top spot in a meritocratic society.
Currently, we were definitely the ones with the highest probability of receiving Class A benefits.
“Oeehk, ueeehk…”
It felt disgusting.
The memories from middle school that I didn’t want to remember flashed back and gouged my mind.
Aah, even though everything was going so well, why did it make me feel like that time… no, even more painful than that?
I didn’t understand.
I couldn’t understand my own heart.
What on earth did I come to this school for?
I visited their room without knowing how much I had cried.
My head was already a mess, and I didn’t think I would be able to calm down.
But if it was those two…
When I opened that door, I saw Arisu-chan and him.
Seeing the two of them looking the same as usual, my heart calmed down a little.
However, here I came to realize an even crueler reality.
When I entered their room, I couldn’t endure anymore and kept crying.
I wanted people to understand how weak I was, so I revealed the episode from my middle school days that I kept hiding.
Nobody knew the real me. They didn’t even try to find out.
Please help me. With that in mind, I told them everything.
However, Arisu-chan looked at me with cold eyes.
After glancing at my face, she acted as if she wasn’t interested.
It was a rejection.
At that moment, I finally understood that I couldn’t expect any help from her and that she hated me.
Arisu-chan, who favored me so much… was never really a friend of mine. Even though I already vaguely knew that, the fact I kept ignoring was pushed into my face.
Meanwhile, he who looked at me with a worried expression became my only salvation.
The gentle feeling that enveloped me alleviated the intense stress I felt just a little.
However, he was always focused on the silver-haired girl next to him…
That girl even took away that kindness from me.
As if to test me, to push me even further, she forced me to make a cruel choice.
…She told me that unless I gave up everything except him, we wouldn’t be able to become friends.
At this stage, I think I certainly didn’t have enough resolve for that. Even so, it made me sad that someone I thought of as a friend would say something like that. It made it painful for me to stay there.
In contrast to Arisu-chan, who kept being cold, he was gentle to the end. From the beginning to the end, I could feel that he was choosing gentle words to avoid hurting me further.
No matter what happened, perhaps he would be the only one who would remain my ally.
It was the last stronghold to support my collapsing mind.
Why?
You were always loved by him, right?
Was I not even allowed to cling to him?
……That was what I really wanted to say to Arisu-chan.
However, it made me feel miserable since I couldn’t even do that.
After that, there was no conversation, only time passed.
It was just a wasted, meaningless, and hopeless moment.
As the night came … I felt like standing at that place, on the roof of the school, so I left the room with shaky steps.
I got off the dormitory elevator and headed toward the school building.
My steps felt heavy.
Perhaps he would come after me?
No, there was no way it would happen. He always put Arisu-chan first and foremost. Since she showed that kind of attitude toward me, there was no way he would come to me.
Even so, if it was him… I climbed the stairs with a little expectation in my heart.
“……I hate it. I hate everything. I hate it yet…………”
I stood on the rooftop, looking down at the athletic ground, and stood still.
I stood there for about an hour, but nobody came. I was embarrassed that I had such strange expectations.
It made me think that I might as well jump out from here.
I have heard that death was the greatest salvation for mankind. If I took one step forward, everything would be over… However, I didn’t even have the courage to do so. I hated myself for how pathetic I was.
As the sun went down, resignation filled my heart.
I put my foot barely over the edge and put my weight on it… aah, just one more step.
If I leaned forward, my life would end.
“I wonder if the moment of death would be painful?”
Wind blew.
That was close. I almost fell off by accident. But if I were to fall and die here… perhaps he would remember me for the rest of his life?
That might not be a bad thing.
It was at that moment. The boy I love, who was kinder than anyone else, appeared.
“Stop it, Honami!”
When I heard his loud voice, I turned around and saw him there.
It seemed he panicked and mistakenly thought I was going to commit suicide.
……It wasn’t a complete misunderstanding, though.
When he pulled my body strongly toward him, I felt my heart skip a beat.
His face was close. The manliness he suddenly showed warmed my heart. As I thought, about this person, I…
“What do you think you’re doing!”
“Ahahah, sorry… I have no intention to die, you know.”
It was half a lie. If nobody came as it was… what would have I done?
The sight of him out of breath seemed the coolest I had seen of him. Aah, so that girl had someone like him as a boyfriend… that wasn’t fair. It made me envious.
Dark emotions swirled around in my head. Combined with the fact that he helped me, my heart couldn’t be more excited.
I was sure that by this time, I was already…
Before I knew it, it was already morning.
I got to see a good dream.
“I love you.”
After expressing my feelings for him, I got up from my bed.
I shook off the hopeless feeling of depression and started getting ready to go to school.
……No matter how hard I tried, the possibility of me taking that girl’s place was close to zero.
I was sure there was no way for me to be loved by him in the true sense.
Even so, I would make sure not to regret my choice.
I would convey my love the best I could, and if it still didn’t work out…
I think I would take a step forward.
That one step I couldn’t take that day.
If I did that, my existence would become eternal within him.
Wouldn’t that be a very happy thing?
“Fufu.”
Before I knew it, courage appeared in my heart.
I felt like I was pretty cute today!
Author Note:
I was planning to post this SS somewhere earlier, but seeing it was like a diary of a mentally unstable person, I remembered that I ended up shelving the chapter.
From chapter 43 onward, Arisu-chan had a hard time dealing with this person.
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