Read at Watashi wa Sugoi Desu!
Chapter 191 – Sophie Linier’s Dream ―Longing― IV
As the door of the room was closed with a bang, Sophie’s heart couldn’t seem to rest despite seeing the familiar scenery.
Sophie ran away.
It was the first time she did so upon recalling her past life’s memories.
As her subconscious was uncovered by Remiel, she rejected the thought.
Be it toward Gerald who warned her, or toward Sunny who was concerned as to why Sophie returned to the dorm early, she couldn’t behave like how Sophie Linier usually would.
Even though she could easily play the role of an elegant girl before.
Play the role… huh. So I(ore) am still me(ore) after all? [T/N: ore is how Tasuku refers to himself, unlike how Sophie’s “watashi.”]
No matter how pretty her outer appearance was as a young girl, with her inner self still a helpless 25-year-old man, there was no meaning in reincarnating from the beginning, and all she did was just perform like the fake she was.
No good. I’m thinking of everything in a pessimistic way.
It was pathetic. Even though she boasted proudly toward the students of “The King’s Sword” that much, the moment her mask as Sophie was torn apart and she returned as Nakamura Tasuku, she was nothing but a sham.
As she gently gazed at the pinky finger on her right hand for solace, she saw the ring given by Christina shining brilliantly.
The blue rose that colored the center was the same color as Christina’s eyes.
Ever since that day, Sophie was always happy and proud to see that color when she looked at her little finger.
But now, only a dark feeling nestled within her.
She came to understand.
Why was she so afraid of adolescent girls?
Why could Christina’s smile dissolve that?
When Tasuku’s mother gave birth to him in her previous life, she was also sixteen years old, just like the current Christina. Without noticing why, she began to have awkward feelings toward girls of that age, and it turned out to be because of the influence of Tasuku’s mother in her previous life.
That day, Christina’s smile at the greenhouse was that of a mature and elegant adult woman, unlike Tasuku’s mother who was just hysterically spreading her selfish desire.
At the age of 16, women were considered both an adult and a girl.
Despite the fiancée of the first prince shouldering the heavy responsibility as the future queen, her attitude that didn’t let such harshness affect her must have encouraged Sophie.
Aah, so there was a woman like that, such thoughts filled Sophie’s heart with light.
Children raised by her would surely be happy, thought Sophie as she imagined Christina smiling at her child and thinking how beautiful it was.
“――――How wretched I am.”
Sophie felt nauseous at her own shallowness and greed that tried to fill what she couldn’t by using Christina.
Gradually, black stains spread across her mind.
Just like silverware rusted with poison, the feeling Sophie believed was pure within her even seemed to decay.
Sophie stared at the floor and grabbed her chest, as if trying to rip out her ugly emotions directly from her heart, but it was so stagnant that it couldn’t purify itself and continued to swirl and linger.
This feeling isn’t what Sophie Linier would have. It’s something this child doesn’t need!
She couldn’t forgive Tasuku’s longing for a mother tainting the black-haired girl.
The fact the target of that feeling was Christina was nothing but blasphemy toward her, and Sophie hated herself for that.
What kind of face should she make when she meets Christina next time?
Could Sophie even make the same innocent smile as before?
Why can’t I get stronger…? Even though this is my second life, why I have still not gotten stronger!?
Sophie covered her face with both hands and frantically swallowed the bitter stuff that came up to her throat.
Sophie couldn’t help but be irritated by her previous life self, who was weak and lazy.
Why did Tasuku think he could only live that way despite being a man?
Why did he have to force such a burden on this child(Sophie)?
It was unnecessary.
It was unnecessary.
She wanted to abandon this unnecessary feeling――――!
“…………That’s right. As long as I throw everything away……”
Be it memories of the previous life and everything related to that.
Everything that Sophie Linier didn’t need.
That way, perhaps she wouldn’t get caught in the past and tripped up by it.
The place she moved was to the front of the study desk.
She opened the bottom drawer of her oak desk and frantically took out a row of leather-bound notebooks.
All of them were her diaries addressed to Tenma.
They were things that Sophie had written ever since her memories of her previous life came back to her. They were diaries of someone who went by a different name in the letters to their best friend.
“Because I keep clinging on to my previous life just like this, I can’t get stronger no matter how long it takes…”
Those many thick notebooks were proof of her long-time obsession.
Why must she cling to her previous life?
Her best friend wasn’t even someone she could meet anymore.
“As long as I dispose of everything… and make it as if it never existed in the first place…!”
The hand that was about to tear them stopped just before it could do so.
Dispose of everything?
Make it as if it never existed in the first place?
“Am I… going to abandon things as well?”
Throwing things away because they were unnecessary.
Throwing things away because they were a hindrance.
If she abandoned things because she wanted to protect herself, wouldn’t that make her the same as that person?
Just like Tasuku’s mother, who abandoned her child because she thought he was unnecessary――――
The figure of a small boy holding back his tears came to her mind.
It was the figure of the young boy who was frightened by the sound of the blowing wind and the rustling leaves yet still waited for his mother to pick him up.
That’s not it… this is not it, Sophie wouldn’t abandon things that way!
This girl wouldn’t do such a thing.
Sophie Linier would never abandon a crying child.
Ever since she recalled her memories, she saw the act of abandoning someone as taboo.
But wasn’t that because Tasuku didn’t want that in the end?
Wasn’t that because she was afraid of inflicting the same pain she once received?
As the disparate thoughts of Sophie and Tasuku were mixed together, it made her head hurt.
What should I do? What should I(Ore/watashi)…
She could no longer see the problem or the solution.
She couldn’t think of what she wanted to do or what she wanted to achieve.
Her thoughts, which usually revolve around achieving the best solution, didn’t move.
“I can’t――――think of anything.”
She suddenly lost all strength and collapsed on the floor.
Aah, no good.
Everything is covered in darkness.
Sophie closed her eyes as she sank deeper.
If you find our serious scene stressful for your mind, it’s okay!
If it’s now, I’m sure the comicalize chapter two would make it up with cuteness! (←Totally borrowing power of other person）
We reached the peak of the serious mountain, so we could only descend afterward.
Everyone, please watch your step as you descending from the mountain (‘◇’)ゞ
The next update will be tomorrow.
Want early access to Cannon Fodder, Melancholy of the Demon Army Officer, and I Was a Man Before Reincarnating, So I Refuse a Reverse Harem? Support the translator on Patreon!