Read at Watashi wa Sugoi Desu!
Chapter 192 – Sophie Linier’s Dream ―The Given Words―
My head hurts…
My arms, legs, and the rest of my body feel like they are being submerged in mud, and even opening my eyes feels like a chore.
Someone’s soft fingers touched my forehead as I moaned in discomfort and pain.
The slightly cool touch felt comfortable which made me(ore) open my eyes.
“Oh my, did I wake you up?”
In front of me were lustrous lips that looked like they were drenched with honey and eyes that seemed to assert strength as well.
Huh, isn’t this person…
The beautiful woman, whose face closely resembled my best friend, was his elder sister, Suzuka nee-san.
“This is my apartment room… isn’t it?”
I look around at the simple room where only minimum necessities are placed.
Why does this feel somewhat nostalgic to me?
Even though I felt something was off, I pulled my body away from the bed.
I managed to get my upper body up, but the simple movement that I could usually do without much thought became something that cost me a lot of time to perform.
“M-my body feels heavy…?!”
“Of course it feels heavy. You collapsed from overwork after all. Don’t you remember?”
I wonder why that sounds very nostalgic as well.
“Tasuku, if you want to collapse, at least do it in your workplace. Tenma managed to find you immediately this time, but collapsing in a room where you live alone makes it unlikely for someone to help you.”
Hearing the angry but concerned reprimanding voice, I finally realized the situation.
As soon as I returned from work, I collapsed at the front door of my apartment room without locking the door. Then Tenma, who happened to miss the last train and decided to stay over at my place, found me.
“Tenma is pissed, you know? Even though he already warned you that you will collapse soon, you kept insisting you’re fine and this is the result, showing you’re less trusting than an infant.”
Ah, now that I think about it, I think he did mention it when he helped me.
[“I told you to stop with the lifestyle of having overtime and shaving your sleeping time that is already too short to begin with to study, right? Even a baby would cry to show they aren’t in good health, but since you couldn’t even do that, you’re less than a baby.”]
Those harsh words contained a great deal of anger, and I thought I avoided his wrath by fainting there, but it seems his exasperation and anger still haven’t subsided.
I completely messed up. I angered Tenma, who normally dismisses everything as trivial things.
Even though Tenma didn’t even show anger at “that time.”
…………What do I mean by “that time?”
The moment I tried to think about it, my head immediately became heavier, and my already weakened body screamed in protest.
It seemed that was apparent in my expression, since Suzuka nee-san pushed me back to bed.
“Hey, you have to rest for a while. Tenma and I will take turns to nurse you.”
Although she was smiling happily when she said that, there’s no way I could ask her to do that.
“You don’t have to care about me. You’re already having a hard time studying at college.”
She attends medical school in order to follow in the footsteps of her family as a doctor, and she is supposed to be busier than I am.
There’s no way I could ask her to nurse me when collapsed because of my own fault.
The same couldn’t be said for Tenma though, as he had no intention of succeeding the family business despite being the eldest son of the family and had chosen a completely different field than medical care.
But when I implicitly told her to back down, I saw Suzuka nee-san’s eyebrows rise.
“Since I aspired to be in the medical field, I think I can nurse you better than Tenma. Tenma can’t even make a decent porridge!”
Not even I had the thought of having him make me porridge.
Burnt rice is blasphemy against the rice farmers, and I probably would have to personally wash the burnt pot afterward.
“There are prepped foods in the refrigerator, so you don’t have to go through the trouble of making it…”
“Don’t complain when you don’t even have the energy to move properly yet!”
As she looked down at me with an imposing stance, I immediately shut my mouth.
I shouldn’t go against Suzuka nee-san—not that I could anyway.
It is a habit that has been ingrained in us for many years and has become some sort of natural law, like an animal of lower status can’t do anything toward the one that stands on top of the food chain… At least I thought so.
But maybe I really don’t have the energy to walk to the refrigerator right now.
Both a headache and fatigue struck at the same time, and I even feel lethargic just by raising my body a bit earlier.
It’s been half a year since I’ve lived alone and worked at a job at the same time. I can’t believe it only took me that much time to collapse.
Even though my exhausted brain was dozing off, it didn’t let me forget how disappointing I was and about my self-hatred.
Why can’t I live better…?
I thought I was finally able to live on my own without bothering other people after leaving the orphanage.
I thought I could breathe easier if I lived a life that didn’t require anyone’s help.
Yet, it’s this terrible when things actually occur.
I felt so miserable that I thought I might cry.
I didn’t realize it was a psychological phenomenon caused by my high fever, and I stared at the ceiling while recalling the dream I had prior to waking up.
“Tasuku, I’ll replace the cooling sheet.”
As Suzuka nee-san took out the cooling sheet from the bag placed on a plain table and changed it with familiar movement, I murmured,
“……I had a weird dream earlier.”
“Hm? What kind of dream?”
“It’s a dream where I… was born as a girl instead of a boy.”
I wonder why I am talking about this with Suzuka nee-san?
Listening to someone’s dream about swapping genders would normally make others disgusted when they hear it.
Even though I knew that, I continued to talk like I was in a fever.
“That girl was the exact opposite of me, a girl who pushed forward with a strong will and an unflinching heart. Perhaps that’s why when I woke up and realized it was just a dream, a stupid thought ran across my mind…”
I can’t control my emotions properly. Even though it’s nonsense I would definitely not say normally, I can’t stop now that I’ve started.
“What thought came across your mind?”
“……If I were born a girl――――Perhaps my mother wouldn’t abandon me… things like that.”
It wasn’t like I was abandoned because I was a boy.
That person just didn’t need a child.
But I can’t help but think… “if.”
“If” I was a better child, perhaps that person would’ve loved me?
“If” I was more mature, perhaps she would’ve needed me?
Countless “ifs” cluttered my mind and disappointed me at the same time.
“Really… even though I thought how terrible I was, it makes me wonder why I am so weak…? Why can’t I be stronger? It makes me feel pathetic.”
Suzuka nee-san silently listened to my silly and absurd things. I spoke in a feeble voice. It made me feel more pathetic and I covered my face with my hands.
“Sometimes, I despair at the thought I have to live on with such imperfection…”
The lost piece could never be recovered.
I have no idea how much meaning and value there is in a life where I have to put together pieces to a puzzle that I know can never be completed.
“I wonder when I will be able to forget all about the past and become a stronger person in the true sense of the word?”
Aah, if I didn’t have such a dream, I definitely wouldn’t whine like this to Suzuka nee-san.
Why did I have an incomprehensible dream of being born a girl?
As I grit my teeth at how pathetic I was, my best friend’s elder sister, who was a gorgeous beauty that didn’t fit the atmosphere of the small room with six tatami mats, sat on the edge of the bed and said quietly,
“Tasuku――――No matter how much you worry and suffer about it, it will be impossible for you to forget about it, considering your personality, so just stop struggling about it.”
As she declared so with an extremely natural voice, I involuntarily leaked a stupid voice of “Heh?” My eyes also went wide.
Suzuka nee-san didn’t sympathize with my pitiful yet sentimental words and continued indifferently.
“Even if you could forget your pain and sorrow for a moment, it would strike back the moment your body and mind weakened. There are even times when it comes to mind all of a sudden during a silent night. Such a thing would continue to repeat for the rest of your life and it’s impossible for you to completely forget about it.”
There’s no hope!?
It wasn’t like I expected words of comfort, but I couldn’t help but be dumbfounded at the more hopeless response than I imagined.
“Um… couldn’t you choose gentler words as a student of the medical field…?”
“Oh my, it’s not like I’m holding a medical chart and making a diagnosis with that at the moment. I’m just lining up reality from what I know about your personality, behavior, and lifestyle. In the first place, I have no idea how one interprets and measures the strength of mind, but even if it’s weak, what’s the problem?”
“Isn’t it problematic to still be attached to one’s mother even though I am a man of this age?”
Ah, it’s painful saying it out loud. I feel more pathetic putting it into words.
However, Suzuka nee-san casually dismissed that.
“It doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman who has worries. Besides, what’s wrong with a child wishing for their mother’s love? Do you think if another person with similar circumstances were in front of you, you would think that way?”
Certainly, if I used other people as a comparison, I wouldn’t think of them like that.
“Tasuku, you’re strict on yourself, aren’t you? There’s no need to make things difficult for yourself.”
“However, weakness leads to vulnerability. Anyone would dislike a weak-willed person, and if that becomes the reason to consider me a nuisance…”
――――People would leave soon after.
I see. So that is what I was scared of the most…
A child that even got abandoned by their own mother would surely not be needed by anyone.
My underlying servility is connected to my desire to be loved and needed by my mother.
After all, I don’t have the slightest desire to meet and be loved by my biological mother.
It’s just, I don’t want people who love me to hate me.
Above all, I’m afraid of being abandoned by my best friend and his family who tried to take care of me despite being busy.
Seeing me go silent, Suzuka nee-san seemed to understand what I was about to say and spoke with a lower tone than usual.
“So you think we’ll be disgusted if you troubled us.”
Suzuka nee-san was always good at reading my thoughts to the point of being scary.
Perhaps this is because of the sharpness of a woman?
It’s totally different from Tenma, who would only give a response of “Fu~hn, I see. So?” despite being siblings raised in the same family.
“That’s just Tasuku’s imagination, right? In other words, it’s just prejudice, a selfish pessimistic delusion.”
Wah, how blunt.
“That makes it seem like you’re being considerate toward everyone, while in fact, you don’t believe in anyone.”
“In that case, believe us.”
Suzuka nee-san spoke up before I could raise my voice to deny her words.
Even though she spoke in a quiet tone, her words were powerful enough to shake the atmosphere of the room.
“Don’t be scared of being disillusioned and trying to come up with an answer of your own. Don’t shut yourself in your shell. The people who treasure you aren’t those kinds of boring people.”
Since neither Tenma nor Suzuka nee-san was like that and still stayed by my side, perhaps it was really I who didn’t get it. I just get scared and frightened on my own.
“Geez! If you’re gonna whine, I prefer you whine about how stubborn you are to the point you wouldn’t even try to rely on us until you collapse from exhaustion.”
Ah, it seems the sermon hasn’t ended yet.
Since I wanted to escape from the fear of being nagged by Suzuka nee-san, I immediately tried to pretend to be asleep. However, it wasn’t necessary to pretend since drowsiness soon struck me.
My gloomy mind and heavy body seem to feel a little bit lighter now.
That’s great. It seems I will be spared from staying weak when I wake up next time.
The sensation of being wrapped in a gentle fluff made me feel more relieved.
Just before I completely fell asleep, someone whispered,
“Hey, Tasuku. You talk as if you are worthless, but for us, you are an important person who heals our sorrow. Never forget that――――”
Does Suzuka feel similar to someone? ( ー̀ωー́ ).。oஇ
I would be happy if such thoughts ran through your mind.
Want early access to Cannon Fodder, Melancholy of the Demon Army Officer, and I Was a Man Before Reincarnating, So I Refuse a Reverse Harem? Support the translator on Patreon!